Damn it all!
by Death's Gambit
Summary: Naruto was not happy. all the villains in her life seemed to want to royally screw with her plans for the future ( ignoring the fact that they are villains and that's what they do). She was sick of it, she was going to deal with the bad guy infestation early this time... and have enough time to sexually harass her chibi-sensei and his friends. Jiraiya would have been so proud.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. (Though I certainly would mind taking some of those sexy beasts of characters off his hands if were ever so inclined)

WARNING: this is M-rated so I can do whatever I want with it. (I am a first class pervert after all. Heck, I could probably give Jiraiya a run for his money)

* * *

Damn, this was not how things were supposed to go down. She was supposed to swoop in and save the day and have praises (along with a lifetime supply of ramen) rained down on her from the high heavens.

Maybe Kakashi- sensei would rub her head and give her that disgusting, piece of shit eye-smile (she honestly needed to find a way to rip of that mask) while she would discretely stare at his ass and see if she could covertly cop a feel, Sasuke (that stuck up, positively anal bastard) would degrade her hard work and proceed call her a dobe (to which she would call him teme and they would fight and she would grope him), Sai would be Sai and Sakura (with her sexy pink locks) would recognize her love for her and they would engage in passionate lesbian sex for weeks on end and probably invite her other two (excluding Sai, he was just too infuriating) teammates to join in.

…Okay, maybe not so much, probably something more mild, like… she would suggest it and Sakura would beat the ever-perverted shit out of her, just the way she liked it. But noooooo, things never went her way.

Naruto was pissed. What was with bad guys and thwarting her plans for the future? First it was Zabuza who happened to be about to die and have her soon to be boy toy sacrifice himself, then it was Orochimaru pouring a gallon of piss on her chunin exam promotion flames and after that it was … you know what, you get the idea.

So, it just so happens that at the moment when she and the bastard sealed the rabbit bitch, she decided,

'Hey, I'm not going down without taking one of you with me.', and it just so happens that Naruto was the one she wanted to take.

She then activated some jutsu with her annoyingly overpowered rinnegan and sucked her in along with Kurama who resided in her tummy.

Now Naruto was exhausted with no fucking clue where she was. It was dark and damp and she felt weird and where her glorious tits were supposed to be felt abnormally light, she couldn't remember ever feeling them that light, they had been there since her preteen years. Actually she felt very small and frail and Kurama (the tsudere fuzz-butt) was out like Naruto with a Sakura gifted concussion.

It was times like these she wished the more mentally inclined members of the ninja society were present, like Shikamaru for example, it helps that he wasn't half bad to look at and too lazy to defend himself from her grubby paws with a bad case of wander lust.

Mm… he was quite well endowed and fit, … he was quite the frisky drunk. Naruto's cerulean orbs glazed over in remembrance of the good old days, and a slight blush stole over her cheeks. Shit, she needed to focus, not think about drunken, yet well executed, trysts.

What was the first thing she was supposed to do when in an unfamiliar place? Check for ramen! No, nonononono, she needed to set her priorities straight. Oh yeah, she was supposed to check her surroundings.

But, not now, she was soooo tired. She could do that later. Yeah … she could… do *yawn* that… la….

And thus Naruto Uzumaki knuckle-headed, pervert ninja extraordinaire, fell asleep in unfamiliar territory.

Eh, she had faced a literal Goddess, what was another ninja?

Damn, she would regret that later. The moon twinkled outside the cave she resided in, as if laughing at the fool who would literally and figuratively stay in the dark until morning came.

* * *

AN: hey, I honestly wasn't planning to write this. I guess the bug bit me. Well hope you enjoyed. You don't have to review if you don't want to, and I guess you're here because you've already read. Relax and enjoy the ride, I'm not sure when I'll update. Depends on how I feel I guess. Later loves.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. (Though I certainly would mind taking some of those sexy beasts of characters off his hands if were ever so inclined)

WARNING: this is M-rated so I can do whatever I want with it. (I am a first class pervert after all. Heck, I could probably give Jiraiya a run for his money)

* * *

Fuck, Fuuuuuck. Naruto cursed everything in existence to the 9th level of hell. She had absolutely no idea where she was.

Damn, she should have scouted yesterday, because the she wouldn't have a problem with checking the area undisturbed. But currently, she was incapable of doing that.

Why? You may ask.

This is because there was a huge ass fucking battle going on a little way from her resting place.

Now, you might be thinking 'Naruto wouldn't care either way, she would just fuck up the battle field with her wide scale, overpowered balls of destruction'.

But, heh, guess what?

Naruto was no longer in her original form, her heart-stopping, sexy body was gone, and what was she left with?

What seems to be the body of a seven-year-old kid, who, as it seems, had never gotten the memo that haircuts were a necessity to functionality. Not only that, but her clothes, her kami-damned clothes, no longer fit her.

Thankfully, the short tights that she usually wore under her pants was one size for all and she could use it as capris. The down side was that she was unable to use her underwear and had to go command (like she hadn't done that before.)

The black tube top that she usually wore was extremely tight to compress her breasts, so she was able to use that for a top, luckily it stopped just below her belly button. The mesh over shirt she wore over that became a dress, her underwear became useless and her jumpsuit pants and jacket were almost unrecognizable because of the battle she engaged in before she got to this place, where-ever it was.

'Well, look on the slightly lighter side of this extremely dim situation,' Naruto thought bitterly 'I'm alive.'

The sound of metal clashing together and the screams of dying men filled what would have been lonely silence if they were not present.

Naruto wished she could help, but the fourth ninja war had hardened her heart and sharpened her mind. It would be illogical and straight up stupid of her to run off to the battlefield to help others when she had no idea where her strength level was at. Let's not forget she had limited supplies and tools and was extremely underprepared for battle.

The most logical thing Naruto could do was to wait for the battle to end to scavenge supplies from the deceased. She hated it, but it was all in the name of survival. God knows she couldn't survive with five shuriken and three kunai, trap supplies and 8 ration bars.

Now what should she do?

Ah yes, self-evaluation. The first thing she should check was if she was still capable of performing basic ninja skills, such as nin-, gen- and taijutsu.

And she needed to check her chakra levels.

Naruto sat down in the standard meditation position. She inhaled deeply and delved deeply into her mindscape.

 _Drip. Drip._ Dr _ip._

Her mindscape hadn't changed much over the years it was still a filthy sewer. The only thing that had changed was that there were more reasons aside loneliness and hatred.

Kurama was sleeping behind the unlocked gates of his former prison looking absolutely ghastly. The poor fox had been run ragged in the final battle.

 _He would run me through with his claw and rant about the mightiness of the great Kyuubi no kitsune if he ever found out about me thinking of him in that way._

Naruto shook her head sadly, her abnormally long blond hair trailing through the water that cover the floor.

What the hell was she moping for? She didn't fuck with negativity. She had dealt with enough of that shit to last more than twenty lifetimes.

She stepped forward, absentmindedly realizing she had no fucking shoes. Man, the struggles were so kami-damn real.

Her shitty little legs (she missed her sexy toned thighs, skinny little twigs were definitely a downgrade) carried her past Kurama's resting place to the room in which the representation of her chakra pools was located.

Naruto stood. And stared. And stared. And stared. And-

 _FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!"_

-screamed to the high heavens.

She had lost a third of her overall chakra pool. This was bad. VERY bad.

So you may be wandering once again, she has a hell of a lot of chakra one third won't kill her. No it wouldn't. Come on she still had a little more chakra than the average kage.

But, she was used to throwing around jutsu that would drain another person's reserves dry. Less chakra meant less landscape remodeling jutsu. Naruto would have to go back and brush up on the A,B and C ranks Kakashi had taught her but she never used.

Naruto was so over this shit.

Her awareness of her surrounding slowly came back to her, she was still in the shitty cave, and the annoying dying wails of the ninja outside still filled the air. It was scary how war had changed her.

If anyone had told her when she was younger that she would ever ignore the screams of someone in need, she would have pranked them so hard, embarrassment would become their middle name.

Now, she ignored it because she had to. She couldn't fucking save everybody, she had learnt that lesson the hard way.

Her ninjutsu, had been cut by the drop in her chakra levels and a lack of Kurama.

Her taijutsu was probably shot to hell because of the shift in physique.

All that was left was genjutsu. She wasn't even going to even touch that shit.

All in all, she was fucked.

It took a week for the battle to end.

It was a week before she was discovered.

It was a week before Naruto found any clues pertaining as to where the fuck she was.

But in the meantime, she allowed the pained wails of the damned to lull her into peaceful slumber.

AN: hey, I honestly wasn't planning to write this. I guess the bug bit me. Well hope you enjoyed. You don't have to review if you don't want to, and I guess you're here because you've already read. Relax and enjoy the ride, I'm not sure when I'll update. Depends on how I feel I guess. Later loves.


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